Saturday, May 23, 2015

I might just bite my tongue off...

I know, for those of you really know me, this might be almost unfathomable, but there are lots of times that I bite my tongue. There are times that I just feel it better to say nothing. This was probably one of the more difficult things for me to learn to do. This blog post is a fine balancing act between the two.

First, let me own my knee jerk response:
(It should be noted that computer screens do not photograph well)
This wasn't quite my first response. A bit of Darwinism probably helped a girl out there. This brings us back to me biting my tongue. The debate to respond always starts with is a response warranted. Obviously you can all see at this point where I stand on that. Then, when responding to something or someone online I had to stop and consider the following:
  • Do I really need to engage in an argument on line for all of the world to see?
  • The whole world!!!!
  • Why does it mater? 
So again here I am still proceeding. What am I responding to:
See me biting my tongue! There are no identifying features! It isn't even the whole post! 
Why? Why does it mater? I would hope that most of my friends and family know me and can see through something posted like this. However, I would also think that the person who wrote it would know better. It was also posted in a public forum where people who don't know me very well or at all could read it. There are two sides to every story for those of you who have seen the original post and or know the writer, I feel the need to tell you my side of the story. For the rest of you, if you  ever questioned my self-esteem I hope I answer some of your questions. 

Let's start with self hate. I took this to mean that the writer thinks I hate my self-image. While there are things about my body that I don't like, I don't think hate is a word I would have used to describe them. In my 34 years of life my body has been stretched and pulled and scarred. While I would say that I need to loose weight, and that is a constant struggle, for probably the first time in my life I can look at my self in the mirror and say if I never lost another pound it would be ok. I can appreciate every scar every stretch mark and every curve. I can say unequivocally I do not care what anyone else sees when they look at me. Now just because I don't care about what y'all see, doesn't mean I think you need to see it all. 

Self doubt. I can't argue that I doubt myself. I don't know anyone who doesn't have some self-doubt. I am certain that I have more then most. 5 years ago I experienced a life altering event that left me with PTSD. That day, I made choices that nearly cost me the life of my son. So, yes I doubt my choices constantly. It is hard to not doubt your self when, in your mind, even mundane decisions can mean life or death. On the other hand I do not doubt who I am or what I believe in.

While I struggle with my weight (folks my BMI is 34 I should loose a pound or two) and I doubt my decisions, I do not hate myself. I like who I see when I look in the mirror, both physically and mentally and I can say that I am proud of the person looking back at me. She is beautiful. She is strong. She is patient. She is caring. She is smart. Sure she has her flaws, we all do but, I love her anyway. 

While there is still much that I could address I find it necessary to stop here and bite my tongue again.